It's the most humbling. I think that's building wisdom in us though, taking away arrogance or over-confidence and replacing it with humility, compassion and empathy.
Oh boy do I feel this so hard! We adopted a little guy who was born at 28 weeks and had been swimming in crack all that time. Constant motion! But trying to figure out how to motivate him, what would speak to him…that was ongoing until he finished high school (a certificate of completion)—as he started stepping out to work, he learned how much people loved him for his kind and funny ways, and his ability to remember people and their names. He worked as a busser, then as the courtesy person at a grocery store who bags and helps people to their cars.
And now he’s 35 and a clerk at the grocery store!
All that time I felt like I was constantly trying but never succeeding in finding to best way to guide and teach him. lol
Continuing our conversation here. You're right, this was timed well! I am a big believer in Ross Greene's proposition that kids do well if they can. If they can't do well, there is likely a skill that they are lacking that makes it more difficult for them. This doesn't mean we just shrug and say oh well, they can't do that yet. It means that we need to look closely, figure out why, and help them build the skill (sometimes that means providing medication to allow them to practice the skill). It sounds like you were doing this - and you saw a lot of growth. And the medication helped everything come together even better. Does this make sense? It's been a long day. It is challenging when you've tried everything and nothing seems to work!
I very much agree that kids do well when they can. So much of this article is motivated by my frustration with myself for not being able to avoid frustration with my son even when I know that if he could meet my expectations already, he would. Like that idea of the challenging of parenting not being managing your kids, it's managing yourself.
I think you're right: we were able to approach parenting from a skill-building mindset and that really benefited him a lot. I used to be a teacher so I very naturally fall into that mindset of assessing skills and scaffolding them to grow to the next level. I love that kind of puzzle. A friend suggested that if we hadn't done so much work with him, the medicine may not have changed his behavior so dramatically anyway since he wouldn't have as many underlying skills in place. Who knows .... In any case, we just know that parenting a kid with special needs comes with special challenges and we keep trying our very best and always trying for our best to keep getting better.
Gretchen, as I raise a little guy with a very similar profile, I have the exact thoughts you mention here coursing through my head: how much affirmation/comfort is healing him? How much clarity and expectation is growing his skills and access to life? Know that I'm out here having this same journey with you, and I'm so grateful that you shared.
Thanks for commenting. "Access to life" is it exactly. We've had people question our high expectations for our son but to me the possibility of increasing his ability to participate fully in life is so important, it's worth holding high expectations. The challenge is to always hold those expectations with gentleness and nurture rather than frustration.
Not the same level, but I definitely relate. Trying to figure out why my kiddo seemed truly incapable of sitting/listening/not interrupting and then starting her on adhd meds… OH she just literally could not.
Hugs! You're not alone in asking these questions. Parenting has humbled me, that's for sure. 🥲
It's the most humbling. I think that's building wisdom in us though, taking away arrogance or over-confidence and replacing it with humility, compassion and empathy.
🙌
Oh boy do I feel this so hard! We adopted a little guy who was born at 28 weeks and had been swimming in crack all that time. Constant motion! But trying to figure out how to motivate him, what would speak to him…that was ongoing until he finished high school (a certificate of completion)—as he started stepping out to work, he learned how much people loved him for his kind and funny ways, and his ability to remember people and their names. He worked as a busser, then as the courtesy person at a grocery store who bags and helps people to their cars.
And now he’s 35 and a clerk at the grocery store!
All that time I felt like I was constantly trying but never succeeding in finding to best way to guide and teach him. lol
Continuing our conversation here. You're right, this was timed well! I am a big believer in Ross Greene's proposition that kids do well if they can. If they can't do well, there is likely a skill that they are lacking that makes it more difficult for them. This doesn't mean we just shrug and say oh well, they can't do that yet. It means that we need to look closely, figure out why, and help them build the skill (sometimes that means providing medication to allow them to practice the skill). It sounds like you were doing this - and you saw a lot of growth. And the medication helped everything come together even better. Does this make sense? It's been a long day. It is challenging when you've tried everything and nothing seems to work!
I very much agree that kids do well when they can. So much of this article is motivated by my frustration with myself for not being able to avoid frustration with my son even when I know that if he could meet my expectations already, he would. Like that idea of the challenging of parenting not being managing your kids, it's managing yourself.
I think you're right: we were able to approach parenting from a skill-building mindset and that really benefited him a lot. I used to be a teacher so I very naturally fall into that mindset of assessing skills and scaffolding them to grow to the next level. I love that kind of puzzle. A friend suggested that if we hadn't done so much work with him, the medicine may not have changed his behavior so dramatically anyway since he wouldn't have as many underlying skills in place. Who knows .... In any case, we just know that parenting a kid with special needs comes with special challenges and we keep trying our very best and always trying for our best to keep getting better.
Gretchen, as I raise a little guy with a very similar profile, I have the exact thoughts you mention here coursing through my head: how much affirmation/comfort is healing him? How much clarity and expectation is growing his skills and access to life? Know that I'm out here having this same journey with you, and I'm so grateful that you shared.
Thanks for commenting. "Access to life" is it exactly. We've had people question our high expectations for our son but to me the possibility of increasing his ability to participate fully in life is so important, it's worth holding high expectations. The challenge is to always hold those expectations with gentleness and nurture rather than frustration.
Not the same level, but I definitely relate. Trying to figure out why my kiddo seemed truly incapable of sitting/listening/not interrupting and then starting her on adhd meds… OH she just literally could not.
Exactly. Amazing what a little pill can do ...